Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.