Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

me working on my assignments ^-^

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!