Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.