Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
March 16
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”