Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
