Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Ghost costume 😂
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.