Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.