Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.