Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god