Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

This a good idea

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no