Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

◾️

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

what’s really going on

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]