Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.