Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.