Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.