Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Ghost costume 😂
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back