Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

A short story about romance.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.