Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.