While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they
You should never laminate your kill list.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive