RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.


waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down


Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it


I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.


[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”


Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they


It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive