@Ygrene

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

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@gobmentcheese

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

@GrantTanaka

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

@OusaMedousa

Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

@MrsTomServo

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

@Dawn_M_

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

@FeelingEuphoric

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

@Wakenbake77

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

@Swishergirl24

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

@stonedcoldlazy

Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn’t reading your tweets or looking at pics