@Ygrene

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

You Might Also Like

@kelkulus

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

@ArfMeasures

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

@jergarl

I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

@WheelTod

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive