Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.
Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn’t reading your tweets or looking at pics