Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.