Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Genius.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.