Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

Love this one 😂🧟

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Doggies just call it style.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!