Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Getting married soon just need a spouse
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My inexpensive home security system…
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Not😆🤣
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet