Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
🤣😂
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*checks real estate listings on other planets*