Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.