Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

aesthetic

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.