Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

*pokes sex life with a stick

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…

“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.