Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
weird email i got today
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.