Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
A dad and his duck
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
