Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.