Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

ㅤ