[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Baller is short for ballerina