Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

the #horror is real!

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶