Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

thank god

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

“The Perfect Relationship”

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.