ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Shortcut
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF