ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
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*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Favourite diary entry ever
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.