Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William