Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

So inspired right now.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

WWE is French for “yes”

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit