“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Damn he played himself
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.