“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
🐕🍷
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
it takes so much energy
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.