Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.