Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.