Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Old old old old old west
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad