Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.