Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.