*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
me linking you to my twitter
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda