*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”