Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.