Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.