Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Jus’ sayin. 😐

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?