Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

It’s a gift

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario