Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
You Might Also Like
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Y’all ready for this
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.