Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

yikes

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God