Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.