Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels