Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
i prefer mine room temperature.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…