Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Boating season is upon us.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car