[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Strangers have the best candy.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.