Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.