Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Unexpected Judgment
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
You wish you had this many chins.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience