Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
constantly working on myself.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?