Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died