[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Tremendous stuff
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
😎 🍻
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.