[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts