“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
#SaturdayBears
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”