“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Incredible customer service.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me, in DM rooms…
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!