“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”