“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
yea so i messed up lol
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!