[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Tuesday
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something