[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
OH. COME. ON.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now