Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Onion called it…again.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.