Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
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*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
girls literally only want one thing..
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.