Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
mumsnet is amazing
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN