Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
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my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
not for long
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.