Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
O Wise One….
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that: