*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?