*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.